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2007-05-01 issue:

Passing along comfort

Editorial

by Anna Groff

Print Article

As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.—Isaiah 66:13

When I was in fifth grade, I wanted to raise rabbits more than anything. When my first doe got pregnant, I did everything I could during the countdown to labor.

I read up on rabbit pregnancy, fed the mother fresh greens, provided straw for her to make a nest and constructed a “birthing hut” for the doe to use on the big day.

Finally the day arrived. On my way out to the hut I noticed white fuzz (the hair the doe pulls from herself to make a nest) all over the cage. The bunnies had arrived, I said to myself. But I spoke too soon.

My eyes fell on a pink bunny, small enough to fit in my palm, that had fallen partially through the wire cage and was hanging by its neck, strangled. I stepped back, but my foot landed on a second dead bunny that had fallen out of the cage. No bunnies survived that morning.
I ran back to the house, where my mother consoled me while I cried. She hugged me before she went out to see the cage.

My mother explained that the small opening of the birthing box made it impossible for the pregnant rabbit to enter, so she gave birth outside the box, and the bunnies slipped through the bottom of the wire cage.

I felt devastated. I had waited so long and now had nothing to show. My mother helped me make a shoebox coffin to bury the dead bunnies in, and we constructed a small slate tomb marker.

She explained that disappointing things happen beyond our control, and my “career” in rabbit-raising wasn’t over just because of this loss. Most importantly, my mother did not make me feel shame or embarrassment at my mistake and the bunnies I lost. She helped me process my grief and provided ways for me to move forward to an optimistic future.

I continue to experience God’s comfort through my mother—just as Isaiah says—during disappointing or discouraging moments in life. I’ve taken risks and failed or felt unsure of my purpose; my parents’ words have given me courage. But showing comfort is a gift we should share with one another, regardless of our sex or age.

A temptation when attempting to comfort someone is to judge or critique the pain they feel. We may want to say, “This person messed up; they deserve to feel this way,” or something along those lines.

Another temptation we face is the desire to fix the individual’s problem quickly instead of showing genuine comfort. This often stems from our own discomfort with others’ pain. However, my mother didn’t try to tell me that I did nothing wrong or to forget about the bunnies I lost.

To truly show comfort—like Jesus did to children, women and men—means we must openly acknowledge and validate the other person’s feelings of disappointment and offer a supportive  presence.

Other people who show God’s love include spiritual guides, close friends, mentors, co-workers, supervisors and relatives. When we face failure or loss, these are the people who sit with us in silence, who wait patiently for us to process our feelings and who offer words of encouragement without judging.

 These people know when to ask prompting questions and when to remain silent, acting as a supportive presence. They also show comfort over the long haul and remember to check in by sending emails or notes months—even years—after the loss or disappointing event.
At times the ability to show comfort and support comes naturally, often with a dear friend, loved one or child. Other times it does not. Let’s remember the ways we have experienced comfort from others and pass along that love to those around us who need it.

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